PUT DOWNS SMS COLLECTIONS
God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien
She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe
The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan
He's proof that there's life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan
The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol
He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier
She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells
Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire
An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger
Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw
He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
His mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams
If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare
You're about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..
You! Off my planet!
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!
You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.
I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have anywhere to put it!
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?
When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?
You're so bent you make roundabouts look straight!
I've seen better hands on a leper!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with both feet.
So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree
A donut short of being a cop
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
From the British Army? Are you sure you're not from the Salvation Army?
Which village is missing its idiot?.
A Titanic intellect ... In a world full of icebergs
A few clowns short of a circus
A few beads short in her rosary.
As a failure, you are a great success.
You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.
As bright as Alaska in December.
He's several sausages short of a barbecue. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
He's so dense, light bends around him
She's one tit short of an udder
He'll be doing joined up writing next
Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?
He's a day late and a dollar short.
All Preparation, no H
College letters other than I.O.U
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight
You should request a refund from your university.
Who's several apples short of a bunch?
Whose doughnut is out of jam?
You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one...
Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
I hear you're connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs...
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.
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