DOCTOR'S JOKES SMS COLLECTIONS
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit!
Man goes to chemist: I want to buy poison. CHEMIST: I can´t sell you that. Man shows wife ´s photo. CHEMIST: Oh, sorry. I didn´t know you had a prescription!
How do you differentiate the doctors? GENERAL PRACTITIONERS: Know nothing and do little. SURGEONS: Know little and do everything.
INTERNISTS: Know everything and do nothing. PATHOLOGISTS: Know everything and can do everything but its usually too late!
I always see spots before my eyes. DOCTOR: Didn´t the new glasses help? PATIENT: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer!
DOCTOR: Are you an organ donor? PATIENT: No, but once I donated an old piano to the Army!
Large crowd was surrounding a car accident. On hearing about this, a doc arrived and tried to reach the spot but was each time he was pushed back. Finally he shouted: Let me go, the victim is my father. The crowd paved the way for him and then he saw a dead donkey lying in front of the car!
What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedicians reading an ECG!
The man told his doctor that he was not able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the dxam was over he asked: Now doc, can I have it? Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. Doc replied: Well, in plain English, you are just lazy. The man said: OK. Now give me the medical term so that I can tell my wife!
´ Help´ came a frantic cry in a train compartment ´ Is there a doctor here?´ ´ I an a doctor´ responded a man leaping in from the next compartment. ´ Who needs help?´ ´ I do´ a passenger responded gladly. ´ Tell me, what is the name of a throat dease consisting of six letters´!
How do you tell the difference between male and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes!
A woman went to the doctor. DOCTOR: You've got Tuberculosis. The shocked woman said: I don't believe you! I want a second opinion.
DOCTOR: O.K., You're ugly as well!
My doctor gave me six months to live. But when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more!
After examining an attractive lady, the doc beamed: Mrs Smith, I have got good news for you! PATIENT: Pardon me, it's Miss Smith. DOC: Oh. Well, Mrs Smith, I have got bad news for you!
" Doc, what's wrong with me?" " Madam, you are too fat, you use too much rouge and lipstick, you have hair bleached, you smoke too much and one other thing - you are in the wrong office. The doc is next door!
A doc used to play a game with some of his of his young patients to test their knowledhe of body parts. One day, while pointing to a boy's ear, he asked: Is this your nose? The child turned to his mother and said: Mom, I think we better find a new doc!
Doctor examining a boy in his surgery suddenly nipped out and asked his receptionist for a screwdriver. A moment later, he was out again asking for a hammer and a chisel. When he came out a third time, the boy's mother asked anxiously: For goodness' sake,doc! What's the matter with him? DOCTOR: I don't know. I haven't had a chance to examine him yet. I 'm still trying to get my bag open!
DOCTOR: You should stop taking these sleeping pills before they become a habit. PATIENT: Nonsense! I have been taking them for fifteen years and they haven't become a habit yet!
A psychiatric patient complained so bitterly about stomach pains that finally the doc decided to operate - and inside the poor fellow, he found a bouquet of roses! DOCTOR: Now, how the hell did those flowers get in there? PATIENT: Damned if I know. Let's look at the card and see who they're from!
NURSE: Who is your family doctor? PATIENT: Hard to say. NURSE: Surely you must know his name. PATIENT: It's not as easy as that. Mom goes to an eye doc, dad to a stomach doc, my brother is being treated by a psychiatrist and I'm under an orthopaedician!
YOUNG DOCTOR: Do you mind if I ask you why you always ask your patients what they have eaten? OLD DOCTOR: Not at all my boy. Their food is very important. It helps me gauge my fees!
A man arrived at the psychiatrist's consulting room in a very distressed state. He explained: I keep getting these awful nightmares. Every night it's the same. I find muself in a large room with dozens of gorgeous girls. PSYCHIATRIST: What's so awful about that? PATIENT; In the dream, I'm a girl too!
A man walked into a cardiologist's office and said: Can you help me? I think I'm a moth. DOCTOR:You don't need a cardiologist, you need a psychiatrist. MAN: Yes, I know. DOCTOR: Then why did you come here? MAN: Well, the light was on.....!
Nurse to patient: Why did you run away from the operation? PATIENT: Because the OT sister said before the operation "What are you afraid of? It's only a routine appendix operation" NURSE: So what? PATIENT: She said it to the surgeon, not me!
PATIENT: Everytime I get into the bed, I think there is someone under it. You've got to help me. PSYCHIATRIST: Come to me thrice a week for two years & I'll cure your fears.I'll charge you only $100 a visit. PATIENT: I'll think over it. Six months later doc met the patient. PSYCHIATRIST: Why you never came to see me? PATIENT: For $100 a visit? A carpenter cured me for $10.PSYCHIATRIST: Is that so? How? PATIENT: He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
PSYCHIATRIST to Patient: You have nothing to worry about. Anyone who can pay my bills is certainly not a failure!
65:-l DOC: What is the matter with you? PATIENT: Typhoid fever. DOC: That illness either kills you or leaves you an idiot. I know because I've had it!
DOC to PATIENT: Say aah, now put out your tongue. As patient sat with mouth agape, doc wrote 2 prescriptions. DOC: Ah yes, that's fine, you may shut your mouth and he gave him the prescriptions and showed him out. NURSE: You dhdn't even look at his mouth, let alone examine his tongue or tonsils. DOC: Its nice to have a little peace and quiet when I'm writing out prescriptions!
A father complained to the doc about her daughter's strange eating habits: All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her? DOC: Eventually she will rise and shine!
PATIENT: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests. DOCTOR: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. PATIENT: But I'm the examiner!
The worst thing a doctor could say to hos patient: Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right!
PSYCHIATRIST: What's wrong with your brother? SISTER: He thinks he's a chicken. PSYCHIATRIST: How long has he been acting like a chicken? SISTER: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs!
Young man to doctor: There is nothing wrong with me. I just dropped by to tell you how much benefit I got from your treatments. DOCTOR: I've never seen you before. You are no patient of mine. MAN: I'm not, but my uncle was!
DOCTOR: How is your husband's lumbago? WIFE: Not too good. I rubbed his back with whisky like you told me to and he broke his neck trying to lick it off!
PATIENT to dentist: OK doc, what do I need to get done? DENTIST: Well, your teeth are alright, but your gums will have to come out!
MAN: My wife is in a real sorry state. She usually stays awake till 2 or 3 in the morning. What can I do for her? DOCTOR: Come home earlier!
PATIENT: I'm worried about this eye operation. DOCTOR: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference!
DOCTOR to patient: In your case, treatment is not expensive; but for the diagnosis, you might have to seek a bank loan!
DOCTOR: I can't do anything for your problem. It's hereditary. PATIENT: In that case, send the bill to my grandfather!
PATIENT: You've got to help me doctor. I have this fondness for doing bird imitations. DOCTOR: That doesn't seem bad to me. PATIENT: Oh sure! That's because you don't have to swallow the worms!
PSYCHIATRIST to his receptionist: Ah....there goes the only woman I've ever loved. RECEPTIONIST: So, why don't you marry her? PSYCHIATRIST: Can't afford to. She's my best patient!
A man ran into the emergency room and said to the first doc he saw: Quick! Do you know the cure for the worst case of hiccups in history? Without saying a word, the doc drove a knee into the man's groin forcing him to draw down a massive gulp of air. DOCTOR: There, bet you don't have hiccups any more. The man
wheezed through his teeth: No, but my wife in the car does!
Why do surgeons wear masks? So that they are not recognized later!
PATIENT: Good morning, doc! I dropped in to tell you how much I benefitted from ur treatment. DOC: But you are not one of my patients. PATIENT: I know, but my uncle was and I am his heir!
PATIENT: Couldn't you split my persomality? DOC: Why would you want a thing like that? PATIENT: Oh Doc, I am feeling so lonely!
PSYCHIATRIST: Now tell me, do you normally stir coffee with ur right hand? PATIENT: Oh yes. DOC: That's odd. Most people use a spoon!
PATIENT: Please tell me, am I getting better? DOC: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet.
DOC: Did you ake the patient's temperature? NURSE: No. Is it missing?
DOC: how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed 10 quarters? NURSE: No change yet!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!
PATIENT: Tell me straight doc, how long have I got? DOC: Its difficult to say, but if I were you, I wouldn't start reading any serials!
Nothing assures the payment of an old dental bill like a new toothache!
PSYCHIATRIST: You've been here for an hr. And there's one thing I definitely want you to do before our next session. Give up smoking. PATIENT: Will that help me? DOC: No, me. You've already burnt 2 holes in my couch!
Lady to DOC: My son is wetting his bed. DOC: Don't worry, its a minor problem. LADY: I know but his wife doesn't think so!
PATIENT: I can't control my aggression. DOC: How long have you had thus problem? PATIENT: Who wants to know?
PATIENT: I keep thinking that I'm a pair of curtains. DOCTOR: For heaven's sake, pull yourself together!
PATIENT: I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember a thing.DOCTOR: How long have you had this problen? PATIENT: What problem?
PATIENT: I think I have swallowed a pillow. DOCTOR: How do you feel now? PATIENT: Ifeel down in the mouth!
PATIENT: I have got only 59 seconds to live. DOCTOR: Wait a minute!
PATIENT: I've swallowed the film from my camera. DOCTOR: We'll just have to see what develops!
DOCTOR: Your cough sounds much better today. PATIENT: It should. I practiced all night!
After his annual examination, patient asked his doctor: Well, doc, how do I stand? DOCTOR: That's what puzzles me!
PATIENT: Every morning when I get up and look up in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? DOCTOR: I don't know, but
your eyesight is perfect!
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